Is Your Toxic Friend Costing You?

As Amy Poehler once said, “Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.”

We can’t think about our financial lives in a vacuum.

Our finances are affected by every facet of our lives: our mental health, our relationships, our home environment; and I want to cover all of these interactions, so that you can take a holistic approach to enriching yourself— and that means, yes, building your wealth, but also living a healthier, happier life. So let’s start by examining the people you surround yourself with.

You can tell a lot about a person by answering this simple question: How do I feel after I see so-and-so? If your answer is anything other than “fan-fucking-tastic,” then buhbye. Now, there are exceptions to this rule, like being there for a good friend who might just be going through a particularly shitty time (and acting like it).

But as Amy Poehler once said, “Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.”

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Toxic people suck up your precious time (well, they just suck, too). And as I’ve said before, time is hands-down your most valuable asset. You can make more money; you can’t make more time. The more protective you are of how to spend it, the stronger your community will be and you will be stronger as a result.

Here are five surefire ways to tell if someone is polluting your life:

They’re a drain on energy. If you dread seeing this person, or feel totally depleted after you do, they are not additive to your life. They are toxic.

They’re a drain on resources. Anyone who regularly exploits your generosity—whether it’s your time or actual money—is not a friend but a freeloader.

They’re all about the drama. Think drama just follows some people around? False. Toxic people attract negative energy, which makes them a magnet for drama. Time for a curtain call.

You feel the need to make excuses for them. If you find yourself making excuses for how someone behaves or treats you or others, first of all, stop, because you are enabling them and thus part of the problem; and second of all, recognize them for what they are: a negative force in your and others’ lives.

They make You less You. This is perhaps the scariest one of all. If you find that you are your judgiest, meanest, or most insecure self around this person, they’re not a friend. True friends make you shine brightest. Toxic people turn out the lights.

If you need to let some people go, for whatever reason, here are my suggestions for making the break:

1. Say nothing. Where appropriate, that’s often the loudest message of them all. Saying nothing isn’t literally nothing—if you come into contact with the person, give the most basic response you can.

2. Don’t ghost. Saying nothing is not “ghosting.” If someone is regularly blowing up your phone and you’re not acknowledging them at all, then that’s not cool. If you feel pressured to give an explanation, try something like “I’m taking some time to focus on myself and my priorities.” Or “I have a lot going on right now, and won’t be able to see you.” Done. Repeat that message as often as you need to and, eventually, they’ll get the point.

3. Be kind and genuine. Kindness is super underrated and being nice even to people you no longer want in your life is just the right thing to do. For better or worse, they had an impact on you and contributed to making you the superstar you are today. Plus: people change, situations change. Life is long and the world is small. Don’t be an asshole. You’re likely going to run into some of these people again, especially if they’re part of your larger network, and while we may not want those relationships in our lives, we don’t want bad juju, either.